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Archive for November, 2008|Monthly archive page

Thank Goodness for the Mitchell Report

In celebrity fashion on November 26, 2008 at 3:48 pm

Thank goodness for the Mitchell report. The era of performance enhancing drugs in baseball is finally over. For a while it seemed that a shadow had been cast over every super-star athlete in every major sport–except, of course, cycling and basketball. Just this week the New York Times reported that Viagra was being tested as a potential performance enhancer. At the time I was thinking, “How could we ever develop a test for that?” I was just beginning to have faith again in professional sports, given that the ever-vigilant anti-doping forces had effective tests for all the other major performance enhancing drugs (except human growth hormone, which according to “A History of Doping” from the World Anti-doping Agency web site has been available since the mid 1980’s, and for which existing blood tests have never caught a single Olympic athlete (cf. Lieu, et al. “Systematic Review: The effects of Growth Hormone on Athletic Performance” in the Annals of Internal Medicine (2008) p. 747). Would we now have to test every member of a baseball team that has ever hit a home run? In the past we were taken in by half-baked explanations of enhanced athlete performance such as the “rabbit ball, the rabbit cycle, or the air-rabbit tenny.” But now that the Mitchell report’s recommendations have been adopted, we no longer have to worry. Nor is there any need to keep investigating the super-human performance of stars from the bygone era of the 1990’s–and particularly not cycling or basketball. And it goes without saying that in a well-respected column such as my own, which has at last count a readership of one and is protected from litigation by the laws governing parody, I am not going to engage in speculation or innuendo.

But it does raise the question, how far does the scandal go? If this could happen in baseball–a game that rigorously tested players at least once each pre-season and with only minimal notice during the season–how long will it be before the scandals of baseball infect the world of celebrity culture–an industry with no testing policy whatsoever! In fact, there may be some evidence that the great celebrities of today have already been tainted by performance enhancing techniques. We need only compare the celebrities of the past with those of today (see below) to uncover some disturbing trends. Could it be that the celebrities of today owe their success to something other than their natural-born talents? And this goes beyond a simple, “how could they be that good looking?” to “is that really humanly possible?” As important as baseball records are–and given that the senate held hearings on the matter they must be important–celebrities of today invade every facet of our modern life, from magazine advertising, movies, fashion–even everyday household products! Perhaps it is time to consider appointing a commissioner of culture, or risk repeating the mistakes that have plagued baseball and other sports that are not cycling or basketball.

Celebrities of the Past


Celebrities of the Present


Parts of this column originally appeared in issue 13 of the Family Night Times


Quote of the Week

In Quote of the Week on November 26, 2008 at 3:47 pm

Dad just gave me a good quote from LBJ:

“I’d rather have them on the inside pissing out, than the outside pissing in.”

Excerpts from the Bat Boy interview

In celebrity fashion on November 25, 2008 at 9:39 am

Interviewer:  What happened in your opinion?

Bataeel: What do you mean?

Interviewer:  Well, don’t you think the public’s attitude toward your work has significantly altered in the last nine years?

Bataeel:  That’s your first question?  I thought this was going to be a puff piece.

Interviewer:  Shall we come back to it?

Bataeel:  Yeah.  No comment.

Out of work has-beens line up for role in Three’s Company vampire remake

In celebrity fashion on November 24, 2008 at 9:54 am
Fresh from his conversion to islam, the out of work child star seeks to jumpstart his career

Fresh from his conversion to islam, the out of work child star seeks to jumpstart his career

Fresh from his recent conversion to islam, the child star Bataeel al-Boey is seeking to jumpstart his career.  “I really thought I had a shot at lead singer for Guns and Roses,”  said Bataeel.  “But when that fell through, my unemployment money from the Leeman Brother’s layoff was running out, and my mom kicked me out of the basement; I was really at my wits end.  ‘Well,’ I said to myself, ‘there’s always vampire remakes.’  I figure if I can’t land the Jack Tripper role, I can get a part in the vampire remakes of Charlie’s Angels or Crossfire–maybe another Scooby-doo appearance.  Peace.”

That one lady you guys were talking about last week that I didn’t know who she was

In celebrity fashion on November 22, 2008 at 10:21 pm

I have nothing against fashion. That it is a commercial art doesn’t take away from the artistry and talent it takes to make people look good. When I see Karen in a pair of high heels (black Aerosoles, with three inch heels, top buckle) and a short skirt…whuff! Or even me, when on the off chance I received a good hair cut from the barbers on Atwood and am wearing something that Karen bought me or I got for Christmas-I feel good. It’s the celebrity thing that I don’t get. But I got to thinking that I don’t get celebrity culture, because I haven’t given it a chance. With that in mind I have set out to start a celebrity/style blog called “The Knuckle Hole.” Each issue I can explore another facet of celebrity events and gossip.  Today’s blog features that one lady you guys were talking about last week that I didn’t know who she was.


Evidently she is a singer worthy of appearing in Wikopedia. She has also appeared in such movies as The Nanny and Touched By an Angel (By the looks of it, she could be vying with Owen for the upcoming remake of Yentl). She has won the prestigious Felix award for “most successful Quebecois Artist in a Language Other Than French” And evidently she also sang “God Bless America” on some aircraft carrier-pretty good for a non-native. But she wore that one dress at that awards celebration. A definite celebrity fashion blunder.

That wraps it up for this week. You can look forward to next week’s feature on hair styles of Roman women on coins from the first and second century.

Celebrity Question of the Week:

In celebrity question of the week on November 22, 2008 at 9:53 pm

What’s up with Owen’s nose?


He must make enough for a nose job.

What do you think?

a. It’s become iconic, much like David Bowie’s teeth

b. It reminds him of the heady days at school when he got beat up A LOT.

c. He’s worried nose job would affect voice for upcoming re-make of Yentl.


Rate Your Performance (Ball Theory)

In celebrity question of the week, Uncategorized on November 22, 2008 at 8:22 pm



1. On Ball

2. Having Ball

3. Standing next to Ball, but could get on at any time

4. Trash talking Ball (ball won’t know what hit it)

5. Intend to get on Ball when ankle heals

6. Heard from reliable source that Ball is around here somewhere

7. Know stories of Ball passed down from ancestors

8. Don’t need Ball, skeptical Ball ever existed anyway

9. Curled up in Ball

10. Bawling

Three’s Company, but with VAMPIRES!

In celebrity fashion, Uncategorized on November 20, 2008 at 5:31 pm

With all due respect to Joss Whedon, what the hell is up with vampires? Just dust off that tired, squirrel- cage love story screen play, add a vampire, and before you can say “Bram Stoker” you have a blockbuster. In studios all over America: “why don’t we rewrite Three’s Company, but with VAMPIRES!” You might say, ‘wouldn’t that suck?’, but with vampires, that’s the point! And it would guarantee at least 700 years of reruns. Jack Tripper and his faithful dog Shibboleth (don’t ask how the dog became a vampire) suck the essence out two sexy roommates per week. We could add a goth neighbor played by Winona Rider, and Don Knotts can play the annoying, ever suspicious landlord. You might say, “but isn’t Don Knotts dead?” Yes, but in a vampire script, no problem. Pound a stake in it, already.