E Pluribus Mores

Three’s Company, but with VAMPIRES!

In celebrity fashion, Uncategorized on November 20, 2008 at 5:31 pm

With all due respect to Joss Whedon, what the hell is up with vampires? Just dust off that tired, squirrel- cage love story screen play, add a vampire, and before you can say “Bram Stoker” you have a blockbuster. In studios all over America: “why don’t we rewrite Three’s Company, but with VAMPIRES!” You might say, ‘wouldn’t that suck?’, but with vampires, that’s the point! And it would guarantee at least 700 years of reruns. Jack Tripper and his faithful dog Shibboleth (don’t ask how the dog became a vampire) suck the essence out two sexy roommates per week. We could add a goth neighbor played by Winona Rider, and Don Knotts can play the annoying, ever suspicious landlord. You might say, “but isn’t Don Knotts dead?” Yes, but in a vampire script, no problem. Pound a stake in it, already.

  1. Three’s Company with vampires would kick ass – especially if you brought back Suzanne Sommers, who is already a sucubus.

    The whole vampire conceit has been unusually prevalent in American movies and TV for the past four decades. I’m no anthropologist, so without trying to verify this idea with any research whatsoever it seems to coincide with the rise and demise of Republican administrations. Remember “Dark Shadows” during the Nixon administration? Dan Akroyd even played Nixon as a vampire writing his memoirs in an SNL skit.

    Didn’t Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Lestat both coincide with Reaganomics? Didn’t Coppola release “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” during Bush Sr.’s tenure? Wasn’t Frank Langella the literal Gerald Ford of vampires?

    Didn’t Wesley Snipes’ series of black-vampire-trying-to-do-good-and-not-be-a-vampire-while-killing-other-vampires movies come out during Clinton’s administration – at the height of the Contract with America? Democrats were trying hard not to go over to the dark side, but the allure was almost impossible to resist. Think of it: power, wealth, immortality. It could all be yours.
    No, must inject self with Kris Kristofferson’s serum and resist!

    Also, have you noticed the trend in vampire vehicles over the past 20 years in which Christian paraphenalia no longer keeps them away?
    Coincidence with the rise of the religious right? I think not. Now the vampires laugh, reach out, and take the cross away from the trembling priest before sucking him dry.

    You could safely argue that Lee Atwater and Karl Rover ARE vampires. Cheney, too. You can pound a stake in them, but they’ll be back – literally and metaphorically.

    The story seems a lot more palatable with dogs, sexy roommates, and Don Knotts.

  2. ur not nice 😛

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