E Pluribus Mores

Archive for March, 2011|Monthly archive page

Presidential Argument Clinic

In Uncategorized on March 26, 2011 at 8:32 am

Reporter:  We are here today with the first of our interviews with presidential candidates running against Barrack Obama in the 2012 elections.

For our first question:  democracy movements have been breaking out all over the Middle East.  What as president would you do to support these movements and promote democracy in the region?

Candidate:  I told you once.

Reporter:  Well, the interview has just started.  So, no you haven’t.

Candidate:  Yes I have.

Reporter:  When?

Candidate:  Just now.

Reporter:  No you didn’t.

Candidate:  Yes, I did.

Reporter:  No you didn’t.

Candidate:  Yes I did.

Reporter (flustered):  Well on to the next question.  You are on record as saying you wish to repeal Obama’s healthcare law.  But you are also on record as being concerned about the federal deficit.  Given that the largest growth in the federal deficit is due to spiraling healthcare costs, won’t  repeal of the law just worsen the deficit?

Candidate: No it won’t.

Reporter:  But the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office has stated repeal of the law would worsen the deficit by 250 billion dollars.

Candidate:  No they didn’t.

Reporter:  Yes, they did.

Candidate:  I’m telling you they didn’t.

Reporter:  Yes, they did.

Candidate:  No, no, no.

Reporter:  I see. Well how about the issue of Libya?  Do you support Obama’s decision to impose a no fly zone and attack ground forces in Libya?

Candidate: No I don’t.

Reporter:  But just last week you stated in an interview, and I quote, “Obama should impose a no fly zone and attack ground forces in Libya.”

Candidate:  No I didn’t.

Reporter:  You DID.

Candidate:  Nonsense!

Reporter (getting frustrated):  Well look, if you are running for office you need to provide an argument why the country should elect you.  What you have provided is not an argument.

Candidate:  Yes it is.

Reporter:  An argument isn’t just contradiction.

Candidate:  Well it CAN be!

Reporter:  No it can’t!  An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

Candidate:  No it isn’t.

Reporter:  Yes it is.  It isn’t just contradiction.

Candidate:  Look, if I “argue” with the president, I must take up a contrary position!

Reporter:  But it isn’t just saying ‘no it isn’t’.

Candidate: Yes it is!

Reporter:  No it isn’t!

Candidate:  Yes it is!

Reporter:  No it ISN’T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the president says.

Candidate:  It is NOT!

Reporter:  Yes it is!

Candidate:  It isn’t.

Reporter:  IS!

Candidate:  Thank you, that’s it.

Reporter:  But you haven’t answered any of my questions?

Candidate:  I am not allowed to argue unless you have paid.

Reporter:  Do you mean, like a donor to your campaign?

Candidate:  Hmm.  Hmm.  Hmm.

Reporter:  Aren’t you running for a public office?  And shouldn’t you be accountable to the public, not a handful of wealthy donors?

Candidate:  No I shouldn’t.

Reporter:  Gotcha!  If you are arguing, I must be right!

Candidate:  Not necessarily.  I could be arguing in my spare time.

Reporter:  Well I’ve had enough of this.

Candidate:  No you haven’t.

Tune in next week when we have the second of our interviews with presidential candidates running against Barrack Obama in the 2012 elections.

Celebrities Behaving Badly

In celebrity fashion on March 14, 2011 at 9:41 am

We all like to see the good in people, even celebrities.  But there are times when, try as we might to summon up Santa Claus, we get the Krampus.

Santa Claus

Krampus

I must say  in the last couple weeks we have seen the dark underbelly of the starlets and bohunks that have become our national obsession.  For example, just last week we had to endure the insensate ramblings of a deeply disturbed solipsistic mountebank manifesting the clear symptoms of a Napoleon complex.

Disturbed Solipsistic Mountebank

Having realized that years of indulging in a systematic pattern hedonistic self destruction had wrecked havoc on an empire built largely of deceit and held together by a cult of personality and paid publicity, we have seen the celebrities try to win back some of their fans.  In a recent interview the son of an honored celebrity, who once played the president,  stated that he would win back his fans “by whatever means necessary.”   This no doubt will include the hiring of Madison Avenue PR firms, public media stunts, frequent press releases, and the systematic use of perverted science and hired mercenaries to rain apocalyptic fire upon my enemies, razing entire cities, and systematically raping and brutalizing my beloved fans.

These outbursts are not restricted to the top tier celebrities, but have inspired the fourth or fifth level, up-and-coming, maybe will stick around for a year or so only to have their memory be erased by kingmakers who no longer see any use for them and a fickle public that has moved on to whatever is next, new, and shiny.

Wisconsin Celebrity

For example, even here in flyover Wisconsin we have heard lofty sentiments from luminaries who want to “take back our rights” from those who have legitimately earned them through fifty years of struggle, compromise, and negotiation.  Critics have called him a dictator (in the sense that he would be a dictator if he had police who in fact followed his orders, had a non-metaphoric army of followers that had kept him in power for thirty years, had jailed and tortured the opposition, siphoned off tens of billions of dollars from an otherwise destitute populous and hidden it in Swiss bank accounts, and had generally, you know, done stuff).  He has promised to use his mandate of 51% of a %50 voter turnout to enact sweeping changes that will alter the course of history for the next seven months, or until such a time as my caucus is decimated by recalls.

Meanwhile,  these noble struggles have been entirely erased from the headlines, having become literally yesterday’s news.  We now have to endure the ho-hum do-gooding of never-heard-of-them international celebrities out to “save their country.”

"Tidal Wave"

For example, all we seem to hear about is the so-called “earth shaking” developments in Japan (in the sense of the earth actually shaking to the point that it affected the earth’s rotation), and with it the inevitable “tidal wave” of problems that has left a “path of destruction,” including a “near meltdown.”  We can only wait and see what the fallout will be.

Fear not, my readers, within a week or so some real celebrity will behave badly enough to take back the limelight, and we can get back to covering the news.

Pound Cake with Calvados Poached Pears Topped with Blue Cheese and Pecans

In slow cooking on March 13, 2011 at 7:53 am


POUND CAKE: Make pound cake.  We used the pound cake recipe from the Joy of Cooking.

POACHED PEARS:

a.       Peel and slice four pears in quarters.  Remove cores.

b.      On medium heat poach pears in:

¼ cup butter

¼ cup calvados or apple jack

¼ cup Vermont maple syrup

Pinch of cardamom

½ teaspoon vanilla

Salt to taste

c.       Reduce the liquid to a syrup consistency, stirring constantly so that it does not burn.

d.      If you want a hard sauce (I cooked out the alcohol so I would feel better feeding it to the kids), you can add additional calvados to taste as you turn off the heat.

TOPPING

a.       Danish buttermilk blue cheese, crumbled

b.      Pecan topping

Briefly fry unsalted roasted pecan in 2 T. butter, 1 T. brown sugar, ½ t.   cinnamon, salt to taste.

4.   ASSEMBLY:  Arrange slices of pound cake on plates.  Place a pear on each.  Spoon some of the syrup from the pan onto each.  Add crumbled Blue Cheese and pecans.