E Pluribus Mores

Celebrities Behaving Badly

In celebrity fashion on March 14, 2011 at 9:41 am

We all like to see the good in people, even celebrities.  But there are times when, try as we might to summon up Santa Claus, we get the Krampus.

Santa Claus


I must say  in the last couple weeks we have seen the dark underbelly of the starlets and bohunks that have become our national obsession.  For example, just last week we had to endure the insensate ramblings of a deeply disturbed solipsistic mountebank manifesting the clear symptoms of a Napoleon complex.

Disturbed Solipsistic Mountebank

Having realized that years of indulging in a systematic pattern hedonistic self destruction had wrecked havoc on an empire built largely of deceit and held together by a cult of personality and paid publicity, we have seen the celebrities try to win back some of their fans.  In a recent interview the son of an honored celebrity, who once played the president,  stated that he would win back his fans “by whatever means necessary.”   This no doubt will include the hiring of Madison Avenue PR firms, public media stunts, frequent press releases, and the systematic use of perverted science and hired mercenaries to rain apocalyptic fire upon my enemies, razing entire cities, and systematically raping and brutalizing my beloved fans.

These outbursts are not restricted to the top tier celebrities, but have inspired the fourth or fifth level, up-and-coming, maybe will stick around for a year or so only to have their memory be erased by kingmakers who no longer see any use for them and a fickle public that has moved on to whatever is next, new, and shiny.

Wisconsin Celebrity

For example, even here in flyover Wisconsin we have heard lofty sentiments from luminaries who want to “take back our rights” from those who have legitimately earned them through fifty years of struggle, compromise, and negotiation.  Critics have called him a dictator (in the sense that he would be a dictator if he had police who in fact followed his orders, had a non-metaphoric army of followers that had kept him in power for thirty years, had jailed and tortured the opposition, siphoned off tens of billions of dollars from an otherwise destitute populous and hidden it in Swiss bank accounts, and had generally, you know, done stuff).  He has promised to use his mandate of 51% of a %50 voter turnout to enact sweeping changes that will alter the course of history for the next seven months, or until such a time as my caucus is decimated by recalls.

Meanwhile,  these noble struggles have been entirely erased from the headlines, having become literally yesterday’s news.  We now have to endure the ho-hum do-gooding of never-heard-of-them international celebrities out to “save their country.”

"Tidal Wave"

For example, all we seem to hear about is the so-called “earth shaking” developments in Japan (in the sense of the earth actually shaking to the point that it affected the earth’s rotation), and with it the inevitable “tidal wave” of problems that has left a “path of destruction,” including a “near meltdown.”  We can only wait and see what the fallout will be.

Fear not, my readers, within a week or so some real celebrity will behave badly enough to take back the limelight, and we can get back to covering the news.


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