E Pluribus Mores

Archive for November, 2015|Monthly archive page

Cold and Flu Season in the Knucklehole

In Uncategorized on November 21, 2015 at 10:57 am

snakeoilI don’t mean to intrude, but I see that you are experiencing a perfectly normal bodily function. You should attempt to cure it with Doesn’t Do Shit. Whenever I experience normal bodily functions, I take it and it doesn’t do shit. Works that way every time.

I bought some Doesn’t Do Shit at the profit margin isle of How You Know your Neighborhood is Gentrifying. It didn’t do shit. Now I swear by Does Fuck-All®.

Does it work?

I rarely have any normal bodily functions. So I figure it is doing fuck-all.

My aunt Munchhausen-By-Proxy used to mix Does Fuck-All® with creams, ointments, and lotions and administer it in an awkward, embarrassing manner.

I find that strangely erotic, in a way I hope I didn’t say out loud. Yes, my wise, made-up ancestor used to slather it with vegemite and administer it even more improbably. What a massive pile of horse excrement they must have collected long before they were made up—or had horses, for that matter. Now their neighborhoods have gentrified and they are all dead.

Fucking gentrification.

I couldn’t help but overhear you two discussing your normal bodily functions. I pay money to a cult-like institution whose confirmation bias in all likelihood killed off your made-up ancestors. In the rare event of normal bodily functions I utter meaningless babble that even if I understood is taken wildly out of context. It doesn’t do shit.

Have you tried Doesn’t Do Shit along with intonations of meaningless babble? I once had a bauble made from materials pillaged from impoverished nations that I used as a fetish while uttering meaningless babble.

I have heard that meaningless bauble babble does fuck-all, but not as well as Does Fuck-All®.

Although you are both clearly in league with the devil, I will continue this conversation on the off chance that you might be saved.

My aunt used to use a purportedly similar bauble in an awkward, embarrassing manner.

…the vanishingly small chance you might be saved. Doesn’t Do Shit and Does Fuck-All® are unregulated, and so warrant an appeal to fear. You risk common bodily functions if you take it.

Although I haven’t the faintest idea of the history, purpose, or components of the prevailing system of governance, I fear it.

You ought to fear it. But you ought to fear things that don’t do shit. Our Heavenly Manifestation of What Should Be Feared removes all fear of things that don’t do shit. I was visited by a Terrifying Apparition one time. I felt at peace.

Does Terrifying Apparition come in a travel size?

Yea, I need to bring some through the In No Way Makes You Safer.

It is certain that you will be tormented in the afterlife that doesn’t exist by the vengeful bat-winged marsupial my cult-like institution has taught me to fear. Peace be with you.

Later.

Later.

Have you ever heard such tripe? That’s how you know your neighborhood is gentrifying.

Yea, what a loser.

Well, I’m off to How You Know your Neighborhood is Gentrifying.

Can you pick me up some Doesn’t Do Shit?

Sure thing.