Ok, I heard from my readers that parts of the last column were unfair. Specifically, the picture of the lady with the big lips may (may!) have been the victim of post-production performance enhancers. Readers stated that childhood photos prove that the iconic protuberances in question derive from natural processes.
This innocent lapse highlights a problem with celebrity reporting: I don’t know the celebrity. In fact I have never seen the celebrity in question or know someone who has seen her. I have never seen one of her movies or Broadway musicals, have never completed a magazine column featuring her, never knowingly brought a magazine containing her image into my house. I don’t know which products she endorses, who she is currently dating, or even why I keep seeing her face in line at the shopping center. My ignorance on the matter is total and complete.
Well, this week I am going to remedy this by dedicating the column to the lady with the big lips. I once heard that she gained prominence in the celebrity/fashion world by going to a party with the guy who plays a homosexual mountain man along side Iggy Pop in Jarmusch’s Dead Man. More recently Dave said she played Grendel’s mother in the movie, Beowulf (not to be confused with the 2005 Hringur Ingvarsson/Stellan Skarsgård vehicle, Beowulf and Grendel, directed by Sturla Gunnarsson).
The Offending Monster
The ninth century anglo-norse epic is a splendid tale of heroism and bloodshed that stands guard at entrance to English literature. It blends neo-Homeric epic with references to historical personages. For example, there is a reference to the house of king Knut of Denmark, who took the English throne from Aethelred the Unready, who was succeeded briefly by Harold Godwinson, who fought at the battle of
The Offending King
Stanford Bridge, only days before he rushed south attempting to defend his crown against William the Bastard of Normandy in the battle of Hastings.
To research the movie I talked to Dave, who saw the movie at the Imax, having been faced with impossible dilemma of either seeing Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium with his kids or spending two hours breathing carbon monoxide in a running car. In this oedipian adaptation of the epic she plays “the mighty Hag of the lake,” “man in shape, but hideous in size.” In a gripping account of the movie highlights, Dave indicated that she spends her scenes dressed pretty much in gold spray paint and ivy. Understandably, given that the Imax is two stories high, Dave described her as “large.”
Well that about wraps it up for this issue.
The Offending Movie Bill
Parts of this collumn were first published in the Family Night Times
The Knucklehole 
